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Travis (also known as Adolf Hitler, Travlord Unlimited, and Travman the Vistroyer) is one of the most powerful reptoid (dracovampire reptiloid[1]) generals. Hailing from the star system of Alpha Draconis, Travis has been behind most of the wide-scale tragedies in world history, ranging from World War II to the Armenian Genocide to the Boston Bombing and even assisting in John F. Kennedy's attack on the World Trade Center on July 11, 2001.

Often taking the guise of an unassuming 22-year-old alcoholic, Travis is actually the most dangerous individual known on planet Earth and should be approached with extreme caution. He has powers.

HistoryEdit

The first sighting of Travis was at the beginning of time when he shapeshifted into a snake and tricked Adam and Eve into eating the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. Back then he was known as Satan or Lucifer. Since then[2], he has had his scaly claw in the rise of slavery, the British Empire, the Holocaust, the atomic bomb, the growth of communism, the growth of capitalism, the growth on your foot, every terrorist act ever, the 2012 apocalypse, the oppression of minorities and the poor by "the man", non-organic non-vegan non-non-GMO food, slut-shaming and other misogyny, Republicans, white people, science, and the inability of normal people to just open their third eyes and see the aura wavelengths around them, man.

PowersEdit

As a reptilord, Travis has the ability to project Special Beam Cannons of spiritual energy that can disrupt the magnetic emotional field around a person's astral projection. He can also see into the mind's eye of supernaturally aware individuals who are awake to the truth. Travis also has access to a wealth of technospiritual magic that he uses to spy on everyone daily thanks to the help of the big corporations and fat cat CEOs who just don't want you to know this one neat trick. Travis's one known weakness is to gaze into the infinite and become at peace with your soul through profound spiritual and emotional understanding of the universe (not to be confused with actual knowledge, reason, or evidence)[3]. It will all be OK because we all came from the same star stuff and we'll all end up in the same collective unconscious when our souls reach nirvana. There's a rainbow around the moon. Hey.

ReferencesEdit

  1. Cyrax and Flyraxx (2012) How 2 make a military strength tin foil hat reup.
  2. Giorgio Tsoukalos (2011) Ancient Aliens, History Channel.
  3. Smash Mouth (1999) Hey Now, You're An All-Star, Interscope.

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